Happy 40th Birthday My Beautiful Boy...I Love You
My Beautiful Boy,
Today would be your 40th Birthday if you were still here on this earth...I am almost in disbelief that 40 years have gone by since you were born.
There are many things I may have forgotten through the years but this day 40 years ago I remember like it was yesterday...It was one of the most wonderful days of my life!
If I had known that I would have only have you here with me for 26 years, I would have done so many things differently...So many things!
You have spent 14 of your 40 birthdays gone from me and up in Heaven...Something else I can hardly believe. I can only wonder or imagine what today would be like if you were still here...Would we have a big celebration with all of our family and friends...Kinda like the surprise party your Dad had for me on my 40th birthday...My best birthday party ever!
I am pretty sure you would be married with children of your own...You would have been a great Husband and Father...I wish it could have happened but God had other plans for you...I still don't understand why and I probably never will but with each passing year the pain of losing you gets a slight bit better I guess... and I don't dwell on the fact that you are gone...I dwell on the fact that you were here and what an impact you made in your 26 years on earth and how lucky I am to be your Momma. I have been writing you letters like this since the day you left...Every Birthday...Holiday and Angelversary and even some in between. On your 27th Birthday...The 1st Birthday after you left I wrote to you and I am going to include that letter here...because every word still rings true today 14 years later. ************Written February 28th 2006************ My Beautiful Boy As
I sit here writing to you, a million memories are flooding my mind and I am overwhelmed with emotions.
For it was on this day, February 28, 1979 at 8:12 am 27 years ago that I received one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.
I remember like it was yesterday how I felt when the nurse laid you in my arms just minutes after you were born, you were so beautiful, your big blue eyes staring up at me.
You had so much hair and it was dark brown and shiny, I remember being so happy you were finally here. So full of emotion, I just laid there and cried as your tiny hand held tight to my finger.
As I looked at you, somehow I knew that you were going to be special. So I had to give you a special name. A name that every person who was part of, or just passed through your life would remember forever, And So You became Cainan Michael Tucker. As the years went by you were everything I expected you would be and so much more.
Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be sitting here on this day your 27th Birthday writing to you, and knowing that I won't be able to give this to you in person. I won't be buying you gifts or making your favorite dinner. I won't be seeing that smile as you open your gifts or hearing your laugh as we all sit and talk at the dinner table.
The mere thought of this reality is almost more than I can bare, My heart aches in a way that no one could imagine. I miss you so much, I would give anything to have you back if only for a moment, just long enough to hold you and tell you how much I Love You, and just long enough for you to tell me that you're OK and that you are happy, but I know that can never be. I pray every night that you will come to me perhaps in a dream... to tell me everything is alright, I will continue to pray and wait until you do because I believe someday you will, and then I can really go on with my life.
For your birthday I will be lighting a candle In Loving Memory Of You at 8:12 am and let it burn till it goes out. We will be sending you Birthday balloons up to Heaven I hope that you will see them all.
I want you to know that I am trying so hard to be strong but someday's are just out of my control. I will never, ever get over losing you, and the pain and sorrow still exists just as it did the day I got that phone call from your Father, and I just don't know when it will end.
There will never come a time in my life that I won't wake up in the morning or go to bed at night without you being the first and Last thing on my mind.
Happy Birthday My Shining "Star"
"I Love You a Bushel And A Peck, A Bushel And A Peck, And A Hug Around The Neck, And A Barrel And A Heap, Beep, Beep, Beep" *********************************************************************************************** So you see My Son...not much has changed since that first letter...My love for you is still the same but I miss you so much more now.
You are forever 26...I know this...But 40 years ago today you were born...you were here...You were mine and I will never forget this day and how I felt the second you came into this world!!!
I will still light your candle and we will have Campos for dinner...One of your favorite places to eat. This will be the first year I won't be sending up balloons and the reason is that it's harmful to the enviorment...especially for the animals.... people have told me so many times...I now have to agree...I know you know that it doesn't mean I love you any less and I actually think you would be happy that I finally realized that the balloons never make it to Heaven anyway... Although it was a wonderful thought in all of the previous years.
Happy 40th Birthday Up In Heaven Cainan...Strike Up That Heavenly Band...Sing And Dance With The Angels.
I Love And Miss You More Than Words Can Say
My Beautiful Boy
My Shining "Star"
Always And Forever