Cainan Tucker
(1979-2005)
Memorial website in the memory of your loved one
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Happy 40th Birthday My Beautiful Boy...I Love You  / Momma Smith (Mother)  Read >>
Happy 40th Birthday My Beautiful Boy...I Love You  / Momma Smith (Mother)
My Beautiful Boy,
Today would be your 40th Birthday if you were still here on this earth...I am almost in disbelief that 40 years have gone by since you were born.
There are many things I may have forgotten through the years but this day 40 years ago I remember like it was yesterday...It was one of the most wonderful days of my life!
If I had known that I would have only have you here with me for 26 years, I would have done so many things differently...So many things!
You have spent 14 of your 40 birthdays gone from me and up in Heaven...Something else I can hardly believe. I can only wonder or imagine what today would be like if you were still here...Would we have a big celebration with all of our family and friends...Kinda like the surprise party your Dad had for me on my 40th birthday...My best birthday party ever!
I am pretty sure you would be married with children of your own...You would have been a great Husband and Father...I wish it could have happened but God had other plans for you...I still don't understand why and I probably never will but with each passing year the pain of losing you gets a slight bit better I guess... and I don't dwell on the fact that you are gone...I dwell on the fact that you were here and what an impact you made in your 26 years on earth and how lucky I am to be your Momma. I have been writing you letters like this since the day you left...Every Birthday...Holiday and Angelversary and even some in between. On your 27th Birthday...The 1st Birthday after you left I wrote to you and I am going to include that letter here...because every word still rings true today 14 years later. ************Written February 28th 2006************ My Beautiful Boy As
I sit here writing to you, a million memories are flooding my mind and I am overwhelmed with emotions.
For it was on this day, February 28, 1979 at 8:12 am 27 years ago that I received one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.
I remember like it was yesterday how I felt when the nurse laid you in my arms just minutes after you were born, you were so beautiful, your big blue eyes staring up at me.
You had so much hair and it was dark brown and shiny, I remember being so happy you were finally here. So full of emotion, I just laid there and cried as your tiny hand held tight to my finger.
As I looked at you, somehow I knew that you were going to be special. So I had to give you a special name. A name that every person who was part of, or just passed through your life would remember forever, And So You became Cainan Michael Tucker. As the years went by you were everything I expected you would be and so much more.
Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be sitting here on this day your 27th Birthday writing to you, and knowing that I won't be able to give this to you in person. I won't be buying you gifts or making your favorite dinner. I won't be seeing that smile as you open your gifts or hearing your laugh as we all sit and talk at the dinner table.
The mere thought of this reality is almost more than I can bare, My heart aches in a way that no one could imagine. I miss you so much, I would give anything to have you back if only for a moment, just long enough to hold you and tell you how much I Love You, and just long enough for you to tell me that you're OK and that you are happy, but I know that can never be. I pray every night that you will come to me perhaps in a dream... to tell me everything is alright, I will continue to pray and wait until you do because I believe someday you will, and then I can really go on with my life.
For your birthday I will be lighting a candle In Loving Memory Of You at 8:12 am and let it burn till it goes out. We will be sending you Birthday balloons up to Heaven I hope that you will see them all.
I want you to know that I am trying so hard to be strong but someday's are just out of my control. I will never, ever get over losing you, and the pain and sorrow still exists just as it did the day I got that phone call from your Father, and I just don't know when it will end.
There will never come a time in my life that I won't wake up in the morning or go to bed at night without you being the first and Last thing on my mind.
Happy Birthday My Shining "Star"
"I Love You a Bushel And A Peck, A Bushel And A Peck, And A Hug Around The Neck, And A Barrel And A Heap, Beep, Beep, Beep" *********************************************************************************************** So you see My Son...not much has changed since that first letter...My love for you is still the same but I miss you so much more now.
You are forever 26...I know this...But 40 years ago today you were born...you were here...You were mine and I will never forget this day and how I felt the second you came into this world!!!
I will still light your candle and we will have Campos for dinner...One of your favorite places to eat. This will be the first year I won't be sending up balloons and the reason is that it's harmful to the enviorment...especially for the animals.... people have told me so many times...I now have to agree...I know you know that it doesn't mean I love you any less and I actually think you would be happy that I finally realized that the balloons never make it to Heaven anyway... Although it was a wonderful thought in all of the previous years.
Happy 40th Birthday Up In Heaven Cainan...Strike Up That Heavenly Band...Sing And Dance With The Angels.
I Love And Miss You More Than Words Can Say
My Beautiful Boy
My Son
My Angel
My Shining "Star"
Always And Forever
Momma
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On Your 13th Angelversary My Angel  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
On Your 13th Angelversary My Angel  / Momma (Mother)


My Beautiful Boy,
Thirteen Years... "13"...Can it be true...It's hard to believe that I have been living this nightmare for THIRTEEN YEARS...and I have made it through every single second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year with no one and nothing but God's Grace to get me here...Thank You Dear Lord!
The years go by fast and slow...I know that doesn't make sense to anyone unless they have lost a child...and it's so hard to explain but it's so true.
It seems like a minute ago that I was sitting here writing to you on this day a year ago...But then again it seems like the year went by so slowly.
I feel so sad on this day...It's everything...The date October 18th...The time of year, Fall...The smell in the air and all of the memories that I have...It's sad because all I have left are memories...but I am truly thankful for them...I just wish I had more of them.
Most other days I just miss you and think of you a hundred times a day or more...I don't feel sad like I do today because as I always say...I know you are in a much better place than here on this earth...Much Better!
I have saved every single letter and poem I have written to you or about you on all different occasions for the past 13 years...I was reading some of them yesterday and I realized that nothing has really changed...I said the same things in every single one of them...I think that's why every year I seem to be at a loss for words...I have said it all.
If I posted the very first thing I ever wrote to you it would seem as though I just wrote it today. I have thought about putting together a book of all the letters, poems, and pictures I have saved through the years since you've been gone and I probably will do that one day if not for anyone but myself.
Son...Today I will light your special candle to honor you as I always do...I will remember all of the good times and even the bad ones...But I will remember in silence.
I don't know if you celebrate up there, but if you do I know you are in good company with all of your loved ones and friends who were there before you and all who joined you later.
Cainan...I can't even put into words how much I miss you but I hope you know. I will miss you and love you for eternity and beyond and there will never be a day that goes by that I don't think of you a hundred or more times a day.
You Will Always
Be My Son
My Ange
l My Shining "Star"
I Will Always Be
Your Momma
I Love You So Very Much Always And Forever
Momma
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Happy 39th Birthday My Son  / Momma   Read >>
Happy 39th Birthday My Son  / Momma






My Beautiful Boy, Well, Son...Here it is another birthday without you on this earth...Your 13th Birthday In Heaven...Wow...I can hardly believe you would have been 39 years old today...The time has gone by so fast. I can still vividly remember the day you were born...What a wonderful day that was...What an amazing gift you were to me.
I am still, after all of these years so confused about why you had to leave the way you did...But I don't really cry much anymore because as I have said before...I know that you are much better off not being here in this crazy world...You are one of the lucky ones.
I wish things could have been different and you had never left because you have missed so many great things that have happened over the years...but there have been some not so good things too that I am glad you weren't here for. Now... I just thank God for giving me the 26 years I had with you and I feel so blessed to have you as a Son...I say "have" instead of "had" because no matter where you are you are my Son and I am your Mother nothing will ever change that!!!
Cainan, I can't even describe how much I miss you...I will never get over losing you but I have learned that I have to just go on living my life and trying to be as happy as I can be because that's what you would want me to do...You know how long it took me to do that and I am sorry.
I Love You So Much...Happy 39th Birthday In Heaven...Celebrate With The Angels
My Son
My Angel
My Shining "Star"
Always And Forever
Momma
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One Day...12 Years Ago  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
One Day...12 Years Ago  / Momma (Mother)


My Beautiful Boy, 12 YEARS...What can I even say that I haven't said to you every year on this day...12 YEARS...It is so surreal to me.
This was by far the worst day of my life 12 YEARS AGO...I will never forget it as long as I am alive and I can't just let it go by as just another day because it just plain isn't just another day. It is a day that takes me back to the likes of a really bad dream that I can never wake up from...A day that brought me to my knees begging God not to let it be true...but it was true and still after all this time I cannot comprehend why...I never will. Yesterday was not a great day...I felt so depressed and that hasn't happened in a long time...I even cried a few times...I just felt a sense of dread. I looked at some of your things...I got your wallet out and looked through it...I haven't done that in years...I felt the urge to get your suitcase out and look inside of it but I couldn't get to it in the garage...It's probably a good thing I guess.
I took the dogs outside and just the smell in the air brought me back to this day so long ago.
I think this year feels worse because I have so many other stressful things going on in my life right now and you know what I am talking about...I hope you do anyway...Things that I have no control over but will affect my life forever.
Having said all of that...Today I just want to focus on you and how much I love and miss you.
I want to remember all of the good memories that you left me with, and there are so many...But I know that I have forgotten some through the years so I am asking for any family or friends to post memories or pictures or anything they could share with me and everyone else on this day.
A couple of weeks ago Marsha Lisio gave me a video of you when you were in Pre School in Mrs. Waldman's class...Oh how happy it made me...I am so grateful that she made that for me! So Son...I know this will sound crazy...but I am actually happy that you are not here on this earth...This world has gone crazy...It gets worse every day.
The only thing I wish is that you could meet Gabby and Jonathan Your niece and nephew because knowing how much you loved kids I know you would love them so much...Your brother Travis sure does...Unfortunately, your sister hasn't really met them in person yet because she lives so far away...but she loves them.
I can tell you that they have brought so much joy into my life...I absolutely love being their Gramma!!
I just know you are up there happier than you would ever be down here...In my eyes, you left this world way too soon...But I think in reality you are so lucky not to have to deal with all that is going on down here.
Today I will light your candle and just have a quiet day to reflect on the memories and all of the love we shared.
There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about you...I see your drum with your ashes in it and I blow you kisses and I say goodnight to you every night before I go to bed. I talk to your pictures or sometimes just stare at them but not for long because I will cry If I do.
I miss you more with each passing second of each passing minute of each passing hour of each passing day of each passing week of each passing month of each passing year...Until we meet again that is how it will always be.
I love you as much today as I did the day you were born...No amount of time will never change that. You will always be My Son...I will always be Your Momma.
Sing With The Angel's Today Cainan...Rejoice With The Lord For You Are Home...You Are Where You Are Meant To Be!!
I Love And Miss You With All Of My Heart <3
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
Always And Forever
Momma
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Happy 38th Birthday My Son  / Linda Smith (Mother)  Read >>
Happy 38th Birthday My Son  / Linda Smith (Mother)



My Beautiful Boy, I can hardly believe that today on your birthday you would have been 38 years old...It just boggles my mind. It's so hard to imagine what you would be like now...what you would look like...It breaks my heart because I will never know. I was thinking today that I wish we would have had smart phones when you were still here because I know I would have taken more pictures of you and I would have taken videos too...I would love to have video's...It's getting harder and harder as the years go by to remember your voice...Ugh...When I think about that I just want to scream!!! I think about this day 38 years ago and I remember the feeling I had when they placed you in my arms...I was overwhelmed with emotions...My heart was so full of love for you...My first baby boy...What a wonderful gift you were every single day you were here. As the years went by the love in my heart grew...For 26 years you enriched my life in so many ways...And then in the blink of an eye you were gone! I will never understand why you had to leave this earth and I wonder if I ever will get the answers to all of my questions...I pray that I do. As I have said many times...I know you are in a far better place than we are on this earth...You are one of the lucky ones! So today I will not be sad...I may cry a little but only because I miss you so much...I will celebrate your life and think of all of the great memories you left me with and there were 26 wonderful years of them for me to recall today. I lit your candle at 8:11 am...(the time you were born) and I will keep it going until midnight...I will send up balloons and I will have Campos for dinner just as I do every year. I love you My Son and I miss you more than words could ever say...You are on my mind every day of my life...That will never change. I have told Gabby (Your Niece) all about you...She always looks at your pictures and tells me that Uncle Cainan is up in Heaven...She plays with the star necklace I wear for you and calls it Uncle Cainan's star...soon you will have another Niece or Nephew and I will tell her or him all about you too...I will make sure they know all about you and how special you were...I only wish you were here to know them. Happy 38th Birthday Cainan Michael...I Hope You Will Have A Glorious Day...Sing With The Angels My Beautiful Boy My Son My Angel My Shining "Star" Always And Forever Momma Close
On Your 11th Angelversary My Son  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
On Your 11th Angelversary My Son  / Momma (Mother)

My Beautiful Boy,
It's that dreaded day once again...October 18th...It seems like it was just yesterday that it was your 10th Angelversary and now today it's your 11th. Wow...11 Years...I can't even believe it...How did I ever make it through...It had to be by the grace of God because there is no other way. The years go by so quickly now...It seems I am not as sad on these days as I was in the first few years...I believe its because I know that you are so much better off where you are...Also I know for sure you are never coming back and I am actually Ok with that...This world is so crazy now and its just going to get worse. Now...That's not to say that I am happy that you left this earth...I HATE that you left and how you left. I still don't understand WHY and I still pray that I will get the answers I need so desperately once I leave this earth. I still feel all alone in my grief...But I have made it this far all by myself so I guess that it's the way it was supposed to be...I know for sure that if I didn't mention it no one would even remember October 18th as the day you passed away...Even my own family...But I understand...It hurts me... But I really do understand. Last year on your 10th Angelversary I poured my heart out in a letter to you...I even wrote about the day I lost you and how you passed away which is something I never talked about especially on Facebook or other social media...but I felt I was ready to share that part of my grief with anyone who wondered or wanted to know and I am glad I did...It felt good to get it out and so many people had no idea what happened and thanked me for sharing my story. It's still there in my Facebook notes for anyone to read if they care to. Cainan...I miss you...I can't even describe how much I long to see your face or hear your voice and to hear you say..."I Love You Momma"...October 16 2005 was the very last time I heard those words from you...The very last words you said to me before we hung up our phones...I wish I had known that it would be the last time I would ever get to speak to you...There was so much left unsaid...It breaks my heart every time I think about that last phone call we had together...But I thank God above that we had it!!!!! I love you so very much...There will never be a day that goes by I don't think of you at least a hundred times...I will always be your Momma and you will always be my Son...No time or distance will ever change that...You are in my heart forever <3
Always And Forever
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
 Momma
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Happy Birthday 37th In Heaven My Son  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Happy Birthday 37th In Heaven My Son  / Momma (Mother)



My Beautiful Boy,
Well...Here it is another Birthday without you here...This is your 11th Birthday in Heaven...11th...In some ways...it just doesn't seem possible that you have been gone so long..I can't even hardly comprehend it...But then it also feels like yesterday that you were still here. Days like this...Birthdays...Angelversarys and Holidays hurt so much...I feel so sad and I miss you terribly...God How I Miss You!! It's not that I want or wish for you back here though...It's just the wondering about what your life would be like if you were still here...I believe you would probably be married and have a couple of cute little kids...You loved kids a lot...I know you would have been a wonderful Daddy. I believe you would still be playing music and your brother Travis would be involved in some way...I know you are so proud of him when you hear him sing and write songs. I HATE that you had to leave us...but on the other hand as I always say...You are the lucky one! Today I will light your special candle at 8:11am...We will probably have Campos for dinner like we always do...I'm not sure what else the day holds...I do know that I am not going to stay home all day and just be sad...I did that for 9 years...I finally realized that's not what you would want me to do. I don't know how things work up there in Heaven...But I sure hope you will be celebrating with all of your family and friends who are up there with you...I'm pretty positive that Birthdays up there are Glorious. I hope you know how much I love and miss you...There is not a single day that goes by that you are not on my mind...I think about you at least a thousand times a day...You are on my mind and in my heart for eternity and beyond...Until we can be together again. I always reflect on this day...The day you were born...It was one of the happiest days of my life...You were so beautiful...I will never forget that day as long as I live...You were such a precious gift from God...Such a blessing... and I thank him for the 26 years that I had with you...I will treasure all those years more than anything. Cainan...With every breath I take and every beat of my heart...I Love You...That will never ever change...Never! Please tell Grandma and Papa I love and miss them so much...Also Uncle Mark...Tracy... Grandma Peggy and Your Dad and all of our other family members and friends. Happy 37th Birthday Cainan...Your 11th Birthday In Heaven I Love And Miss You My Beautiful Boy
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
Always And Forever
Momma
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Merry Christmas Son  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Merry Christmas Son  / Momma (Mother)
My Beautiful Boy...Well...This was Christmas #11 without you here...Wow...it's so hard to believe that its been that long since I have seen your face...heard your voice or felt your touch...The days turn into years so fast. We went to Aunt Peggy's house as usual...she made your chocolate pie and I had a small piece for you...we had a nice day...Of course you are always missed but the holidays are the worst...The only thing that makes me feel better is the fact that you spent Christmas with the Lord and I know you would not want to be back down here for any reason what so ever...As I always say...You are the lucky one. I Love You My Son My Angel My "Shining Star" Always And Forever Momma Close
It's Your 10th Angelversary Son  / Momma   Read >>
It's Your 10th Angelversary Son  / Momma


My Beautiful Boy
 10 Years...10 Years...I can barely even think about it let alone say the words...10 Years I have not seen your face...heard your voice...or given you hugs and kisses...God... I can't even comprehend any of that. I don't even know what to say...Every year for 10 years I have written you letters on your Angelversary and your Birthday and some in between and they basically all say the same thing so you already know all of that stuff...I could re-word it like I always do but its still the same. So today I am just gonna write about the day you left this world 10 years ago... It was a beautiful fall day...Grandma and I took Travis to work and we stopped in at the Coffee Bean to have some coffee and a scone before we headed back home...Grandma dropped me off and I went upstairs to get on my computer...I just barely sat down and I got a phone call from your Dad that would change my life as I knew it forever...He could barely speak and I kept asking him what was wrong...I could tell he was crying...I thought he was trying to tell me that someone important to us had passed away...I was not prepared for what he finally told me...He told me that YOU had passed away in your sleep all alone in your room at a major hotel ( The Luxor) in Las Vegas...You were in Las Vegas on a work related trip...There were no details...we had no idea what happened until the next day...Then we found out that you passed away from an accidental overdose from methadone...METHADONE...WHY WHY WHY??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I can barely think about what transpired after that phone call...I was home alone....I remember just screaming and screaming...I could barely breathe...I ran out the front door and went to Josie's house and banged and banged on her door still screaming...I saw some people across the street staring at me...Josie finally answered her door and I remember her bringing me back home...the rest of that day is a blur and the days leading up to and after your funeral are too...I can honestly say it almost killed me. I barely even remember anything about your funeral service...I only know what I have been told...There were hundreds of people at your service...it was standing room only and it was a big church...Then we had a big celebration of your life at Dakota's...I have very few memories of that either...I do remember people coming up to me and saying they would be there for me...but I never heard from any of them after the service was over. The next 3 years are indescribable...I went into a severe depression...I didn't go out of my house more than 50 times in those 3 years...I could barely get out of bed...I went days without brushing my hair or teeth... taking a shower or any normal daily activities...I was completely broken...I didn't even know what day of the week it was and I didn't care. I was mentally absent from life... I buried my head in the sand and every single day I would dread waking up and getting out of bed because I knew there would just be another day full of more pain and sorrow and there is no pain like the pain of losing your child...I lost Grandma and Grandpa and many other family members and friends...NOTHING compared to losing you...That kind of grief is unbearable. I lost almost every friend I had and many family members as well...they could not deal with my grief...So for them it was easier to just walk away... that really hurt and still does to this day...I have never felt so alone in my entire life...But I understand now and I forgive. In the next 7 years...I got better day by day...I took baby steps but with God leading the way and never leaving my side I made it back Now 10 long years later...My heart is still broken because as I have said before... broken hearts are not like broken legs or arms...there is no way to fix a broken heart or any medicine to take the pain away. However... my life today goes on and I am pretty normal...I can be happy without feeling guilty...I don't wish that you could come back anymore because I know you are so much better off where you are than here in this crazy world...But I still grieve for you and I will until I take my last breath....Its been said that there is no time limit on how long a person is allowed to grieve...grief is not something added to your life that can be measured...It's something that has been taken away... it's a hole in your heart... a void in your in your soul and an emptiness in your life that mere words can not explain...Truer words have never been spoken. I am trying to to live my life holding on to the memories and the love...not the loss...I didn't know in the beginning how I would live one day without you in this world but I have survived 10 long years and I am proud of that and I thank The Lord because he did not forsake me. I will always wonder what happened 10 years ago in Las Vegas...Why did you take those pills...that's the thing that is the most upsetting to me...but I pray that when my time on earth is through...you will be waiting for me and I will finally be at peace. Cainan...I want you to know that I am really ok now...I know I have told you that before and it wasn't true...but I am sure of it now...I have a lot of joy in my life now...a granddaughter...Your niece Gabriela...And I still have Mackenna too...They both bring me such happiness! That doesn't mean that I won't have some sad days...And I will never ever stop missing you...there will never be a single day that goes by that I don't think about you...I will always be your "Momma"... I will love you for eternity and beyond!!!!
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
Always And Forever
Momma Close
Your 36th Birthday ~ Your 10th Birthday In Heaven  / Momma   Read >>
Your 36th Birthday ~ Your 10th Birthday In Heaven  / Momma



My Beautiful Boy
Today is your Birthday...you would have been 36 years old if you were still here on this earth...its so very hard for me to believe because I remember the day you were born so vividly....like it was yesterday.
As I reflect on this day 36 years ago I am filled with so many emotions...it was a perfect day to be blessed with the gift of a perfect Son.
If I close my eyes and think really hard I can almost feel you as the nurse laid you in my arms...I can feel your little hand wrap around my finger and I can see your blue eyes looking up at me as the tears of joy were streaming down my face...You were so alert...you were taking everything in and as I watched you all I could think was...A Son... I have a Son... I wondered what it was going to be like to be a Mother to a Son because for 7 years all I knew was how to be a Mother to a Daughter... your Sister Carraine was my only child.
I soon learned that it didn't matter if you were a girl or a boy it was just as natural as could be.
You were the perfect baby always smiling and hardly ever crying... you were a precious toddler...so smart beyond your years...you were the cutest little boy... always making people laugh and always wanting to be the center of everyone's attention...so funny...so loving... just perfect!
The beginning of your teenage years were so great...you loved school...you had so many friends...you were really cool and everybody wanted to be around you...in your later teens you were still loving school and still "Mr Personality" You started playing drums in 7th grade...we really didn't think to much about it until you became obsessed with it just like you did with almost everything you did throughout your lifetime.
Music became your life and you put your whole heart and soul into it.
You grew up and then you became a wonderful man...My Son... My Shining "Star"...I was and will always be so very proud of you and all of the things that you accomplished in your 26 years...you did more in your 26 years than some people do in a lifetime...you were a wonderful Son...Brother... Cousin and Friend ...you are etched in so many peoples hearts forever.
On this day 36 years ago... I would have never believed I that you would be gone from this earth and I would be sitting here writing to you and praying that you will somehow see this letter and know all that is in my heart.
I miss you Cainan more than anyone could possibly know...and I long to see your face...your smile...to hear your voice...to hold you...but I don't wish that you could come back anymore because I know you are so much better off then any of us down here...and I believe I will be with you again someday.
I know this will be another glorious birthday...You have your Daddy and Grandma and Papa and so many other Angels up there to celebrate with you...How awesome that is.

I Love You Cainan Michael
Happy 10th Birthday In Heaven
You Are And Always Will Be
My Son
My Shining "Star"
My Angel
Always And Forever
Momma

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Your 10th Christmas In Heaven...On Decade  / Momma (Momma)  Read >>
Your 10th Christmas In Heaven...On Decade  / Momma (Momma)
Its Christmas Son...The first Christmas you get to spend with your Dad in a long time and while...That has to be an awesome feeling...On this day you get to be with The Lord and I know you wouldn't change that even if you had the chance. It's not a good Christmas here...Both Bill and I are sick so we will just be staying home as if it were just another day. I know you didn't know my Uncle Billy very well...he is grandma's brother and he left this earth a couple of days ago...I hope grandma and papa were there to meet him. My Beautiful Boy...I was just sitting here thinking and it just now came to me...This is your 10th Christmas In Heaven...One whole decade...One whole decade since I have seen your beautiful face...One whole decade since I have heard your voice...One whole decade since I have felt your touch...I am over come with emotions right now...sitting here crying my eyes out...How can it be one whole decade...when I remember our last Christmas together like it was yesterday...If I had only known then what I know now...Maybe things would have turned out different. As I always say...I know you are in a better place but a little part of me wishes you were still here. One decade...its so unbelievable to me. Have A Blessed Christmas I Love You...Always And Forever My Son My Angel My "Shining Star" Momma Close
9 Years...You Have Been Gone 9 Years...  / Linda Smith (Momma)  Read >>
9 Years...You Have Been Gone 9 Years...  / Linda Smith (Momma)


My Beautiful Boy,
It's been 9 years...you have been gone from this earth for 9 years...and I still can't believe its really true but honestly I have no concept of time...seconds turn into minutes...minutes turn into hours... hours turn into days...days turn into months and months turn into years and every year this day comes and I struggle with it.
Some people have suggested that I just try to forget about this day...But I just can't do that...how could I possibly do that...This day is etched in my mind forever and I don't just think about it today...I think about it a lot...Even just on an ordinary day.
I realize that if I didn't mention it that most people even family members would not even think about this day...and that is really ok...I can't expect that they would but I used to think that everyone should remember it...It took a while but I have learned that only a Mother and Father who has lost a child remembers the horrific day that they lost their child...and their world came crashing down.
I also know that some Mother's choose not to express their feelings publicly...but for me it is a part of my grieving and healing process...I write to you...I sing for you...I post pictures and poems...I light your candle...it makes me feel good or I should say better about this day...You know that I am a very emotional and passionate person and it just feels right to do what I do for you no matter what day it is...I have been doing this since the day you left...Most people don't understand me...they misread me...I feel like they think that I just want sympathy...but that is so far from the truth...I don't want sympathy or pity from anyone...I do it for you...I do it because I don't want you to be forgotten...I do it because I need to...and yes I also do it because I love and miss you so much that it almost consumes my life...No one has a clue what goes on in my mind daily and I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone not even my worst enemy.
I don't know what's worse...The pain of remembering or the fear that I might forget this day...so I will continue to just do what I do until maybe the day comes when I won't feel the need.
Cainan...I don't know what happens after people leave this earth...I don't know if you know what goes on after you are gone...I like to think that you know exactly how I feel...how much I love and miss you...how I would give anything to know WHY...not knowing WHY is the main reason I have such a hard time with losing you...if you would have went any other way...I believe it would be a lot easier to understand and maybe except that you had to go away...and I hope you know that while I still grieve for you...I don't sit around crying for you everyday...I know you are in a far better place than we are down here...I have said it before and I really mean it...You are one of the lucky ones...I am not ready to leave my loved ones here on earth just yet...but I pray that when I do leave here I will see you again.
Last year your sisters were here on this day...and it was a great feeling not to just sit here alone with my grief...This year I was going to Bill's cousin's 60th birthday party and I was going to be gone most of the day...but Bill is sick so we are not going to be able to go...I was actually looking forward to going...but Bill's health is more important.
I am very sad that your Dad had to leave this earth...but I take comfort in knowing that he is with you now.
I Love You With All Of My Heart
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
Always And Forever
Momma

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Your 35TH Birthday In Heaven...I Miss You So Much  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Your 35TH Birthday In Heaven...I Miss You So Much  / Momma (Mother)


My Beautiful Boy,
Once again as I sit here writing to you a million memories come flooding back to me.
It was on this day February 28 1979 at 8:12 am 35 years ago that I received one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me...I can remember it like it was yesterday...You came into this world perfect in every way and I was so very happy...I had a Son...a beautiful dark brown hair... blue eyed Son!
I remember feeling so emotional when the nurse finally put you in my arms...I cried tears of joy as you laid there looking up at me with one of your tiny fingers wrapped around mine...I knew in those moments that you were going to be special...So I wanted to give you a special name so that everyone who would come to know you or just cross paths with you would remember you...So you became Cainan Michael Tucker...As the years went by you were everything I dreamed you would be and so much more.
I still can't understand why you had to leave this world...My mind still can't comprehend that you are gone and I don't know if it ever will seem real.
This is the 9th year that you have spent your birthday in Heaven...I know they all must have been glorious...but this year I can only imagine that for you it will be the best one of all because your Daddy is up there with you and while we are still grieving the loss of him I know that both of you are happy and wouldn't come back here if you could...You are surely the lucky ones!
Days like today are so hard for me...but I don't fall apart anymore because I know you are so much better off then all of us still here on this earth...I am now able to take comfort in knowing you are at peace and now that your Dad is with you...I feel a calmness that I never felt before.
I miss you Cainan Michael...I miss you really bad...but I know I will see you again someday and we will be together forever more.
Happy 35th Birthday In Heaven...I Love You My Son
My Angel
My Shining "Star"
Always And Forever
Momma

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On Your 8th Angelversary Son  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
On Your 8th Angelversary Son  / Momma (Mother)


My Beautiful Boy,
Well here it is... the day I dread every year...The day that you slipped away from this world... a day that I will never forget and I will never get over...October 18th...I HATE this day so much...I Hate the number 18!!
Every year for the past 8 years I have spend this day alone with my thoughts and memories...I light your candle and I talk to your picture and I shed some tears...But this year is going to be different because for the first time since you left, your sisters are here from Arizona on a little vacation...they have been here since Monday and will be going back home on Saturday.
I have had so much fun with them here...we have been doing all kinds of fun things so unlike every other year I am not getting stressed out just anticipating this day...For once I am not going to be sitting home alone... I will have your Sisters here with me.
I will light your candle and keep it going until midnight as I always do and we will have some sort of special dinner for you!
Cainan...I love and miss you so very much...the years seem to have gone by so fast in some ways but have felt like an eternity in other ways.
I honestly can hardly believe it has been 8 years...but I can remember this horrific day like it was yesterday...I still can't fully comprehend that you are gone forever and I still and will never understand why...why you had to leave...WHY...still to this day if I think about it for any length of time I feel like I will lose my mind...its so weird.
Two days ago on October 16th was the last time I heard your voice...The last time I heard you say "I Love You Momma"...I had no idea that that would be the last phone call I would ever get from you...and what is even sadder is the last time I saw your face was September 3rd at Tracy's funeral...and I never dreamed that a few weeks later we would be planning yours...it still all is so surreal.
Well honey, I'm pretty sure you know that a loved one of ours is going through a very difficult time right...I am praying so hard for him...I don't know how things work up there but maybe you can ask God to take care of him... but then actually, if that is possible you probably already have because I know how much you love him...But I will continue to pray!
I miss you more every single day that passes by...
I Love You
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
Always And Forever
Momma


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Blessed to have known him...  / Chad Gentry (friend)  Read >>
Blessed to have known him...  / Chad Gentry (friend)
Wow...I am in such disbelief right now. My wife and I were just sitting here talking about great bands and I remembered Wooden Circus. I just shared stories of working with him at Teresa's, driving he and the guys to gigs, watching them play, playing tricks on each other etc. So we decided to see where he was now since we lost touch after I was in the Navy...and we found this. I am truly saddened by the news of his passing. Cainen was a great friend and I'm sorry we lost touch. My thoughts and prayers are with you, he is still missed. Close
Happy 34th Birthday Cainan Michael  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Happy 34th Birthday Cainan Michael  / Momma (Mother)


My Beautiful Boy,
I am sitting here in disbelief that another year has past...it seems like it was yesterday that I was sitting here writing to you on your birthday...I guess it could be said that time flies...but as for me I have no concept of time anymore..the days just come and go.
Its hard to believe that this is your 8th birthday spent in Heaven...You would have been 34 today.
I still remember the day you were born so vividly...it was at 8:12am, you weighed 9lbs 3ozs and you had so much hair... beautiful dark brown hair and blue eyes...everyone told me your eyes would eventually turn brown but they never did...you kept those beautiful blue eyes...you were a perfect gift from God and not in my wildest dreams did I ever think that you would be taken away from me 26 years later...No parent should ever have to go through that pain and sorrow...but sadly there are many that do especially in this day and age.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how lucky you are to be gone from this earth...Our world is so crazy now and it gets worse everyday...I am even starting to feel a little thankful that I don't have any grandchildren because who knows what it would be like for them growing up...Its scary to think about it.
With all that being said...it doesn't mean that I don't miss you as much as I always have and I don't still shed tears about you being gone forever and I have no answers to all the questions that constantly run through my mind...the what if's...the why's...so many unanswered questions that haunt me everyday...I can only pray that one day I will get the answers that I so desperately need.
Cainan...I love and miss you so very much...Not one single day goes by that I don't think of you and wish with all my heart that you were here...But I am thankful that you are where you are...happy...peaceful and free with not a care in the world...You my son are one of the lucky ones!
I hope you will be having a Heavenly birthday party today with all of your family and friends that are up there with you...Give them all my love and tell them how much they are missed!
Today we will be sending up birthday balloons...I hope you will catch them and read our notes!
We will also be having dinner from Campos as we do every year...One of your favorite places to eat.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN CAINAN MICHAEL!!!
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
I Love You
Always And Forever
Momma
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Merry Christmas 2012  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Merry Christmas 2012  / Momma (Mother)

 Merry Christmas My Beautiful Boy...I know you are so much better off up there...but I can't help but wish that you were here with me and all of your family today.
Aunt Peggy made your favorite chocolate pie...as she always does.
I Love and Miss You
My Son
My Angel

My "Shining Star" 
Always & Forever

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Seven Long Years Ago Today...  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Seven Long Years Ago Today...  / Momma (Mother)







My Beautiful Boy

Well...Here I am again...another year has come and gone ...Now here I am writing you another letter that I don't even know if you will see.

I know some people think I'm just being dramatic or trying to get attention...but that is not true...I write to you because it makes me feel better...I absolutely do not care what anyone thinks about me...I just can't let this day go by without a thought...like it never happened... I need to write to you my feelings even if you may know them without me saying them.

I know that some Mothers choose to celebrate their child's life on the day that they left this world...But I have no desire to celebrate on this day!

What is there to celebrate...this is the day you were taken from my life in the blink of an eye...with no warning what so ever...for no apparent reason...This is the day that I can only think of the horrible train of events that came after I got that phone call from your father...This is the day that changed me and my life forever!!

You know Cainan...I don't sit around and cry every day for you anymore...I don't dwell on the fact that you are gone forever anymore...I don't even wish that I could have you back anymore because I know it is all in vain...I can't say that I have fully excepted everything but after 7 long years I have just become so numb to it all...so numb in fact that it scares me...I feel that you are slipping from my mind...The memories seem to be fading.

Nobody wants to talk about you...Nobody tells me stories or gives me pictures that I may not have...I feel alone in my grief and I have for the past 7 years...All those hundreds of people that were at your Memorial Service and Celebration Of Life who said they would be here for me I have not seen most of them since that day...nobody has been here for me except a few family members occasionally...and I honestly don't understand why.

I made this memorial site for you right after you passed away...a place where your family and friends could go and leave you a message...light a candle for you...post songs or video's...Every year at this time and on your Birthday I have posted a link to this site and I think only 2 maybe 3 of your friends have ever posted anything there in the last 7 years...I am basically the only one that visits this site...It makes me so very sad...

Ugh...I am not in a good frame of mind right now...

I miss you so much Cainan...I often wonder what your life would be like today if you were still here...I look at your pictures and I have to turn away because I start to get this terrible feeling in my body...its hard to explain...Its a sinking feeling in my heart...But there have been times when I will just sit on the floor and look at your picture and talk to you...scream at you...or just stare at you.

I hear your voice everyday...I have one of you songs on my phone as my ring tone...I have had it for a few years now...I love it when my phone rings...You are always there.

I guess this letter is much different than ones in the past...I have said a few things that I needed to say because they have been locked inside and eating away at me for years...It feels better to get it out and I know some will think I am just having a pity party but as I said before...I don't care what people think of me...I wouldn't even have these feelings if people would have been here for me like they promised in the beginning.

The years are flying by...My time is getting closer and closer...I can't wait to see you again.

I Love You Cainan Michael
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"

Always And Forever...

Momma


 

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Happy 33rd Birthday My Son!  / Momma (Mother)  Read >>
Happy 33rd Birthday My Son!  / Momma (Mother)

My Beautiful Boy,
Here we are again...another year has come and gone...another year of missing you so desperately!
I think your Birthday is the hardest day of all...I remember so clearly the day you were born...It was one of the happiest days of my life!
You were absolutely perfect in every way...A wonderful gift from God!
If I had only known that he would take you away from me so soon...I would have kept a journal of every single moment of your life so I could go back and relive it any time I wanted to...Now I struggle to remember so many things about you growing up...But I'll never forget how amazing you were...I relive your life through pictures now...I feel very blessed to have them all to look at even though they make me cry...They make me happy as well.
Today I will set out all of your special things and light your candle...we will be sending up balloons with notes tied to them for you just like every year...I know you will be there to catch them...you always do...even when they get stuck in trees.
Of course I will have your favorite burrito from Campos for dinner...You loved that place so much for so many years.
I won't go on and on in this letter because you already know how I feel...Its between you, me and God!
I hope your Birthday is filled with love, beautiful music and family and friends that are up there with you...Please tell Grandpa, Grandma Maxine, Grandma Peggy and Tracy that I love and miss them too!
I Love You
My Son
My Angel
My "Shining Star"
Always And Forever
Momma

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A New Year...365 Days!  / Momma Smith (Mother)  Read >>
A New Year...365 Days!  / Momma Smith (Mother)
My Beautiful Boy...Christmas has come and gone and now a New year is upon us...another 365 days to desperately miss you...another 365 days to wonder why you had to leave so soon....it is never ending! I know you had a wonderful Christmas up there...But we sure did miss you down here! Happy New Year In Heaven Cainan Michael...Please watch over and guide us...especially your little Brother. I Love You My Son My "Shining Star" My Angel Always And Forever <3 Momma Close
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